April 18, 2011

Tales from the Desert


Have you ever wondered what it would be like to eat a taco from a Taco Bell found in the war-torn capital city of a middle eastern country? If so, you’re in luck. Because I happen to have a husband with a LOT of time on his hands between flights. He occasionally uses this time to give me extremely detailed accounts of parts of his day. Today, The Story of the Taco as told by Steve Koper:

“…our flying security went over to the local taco bell since we shut down engines to get gas (we usually keep engines running to load and unload to save fuel and time).  i was so excited to eat taco bell.  i didn't have cash, but the security guys offered to pay for everyone.  i only asked for 3 crunch tacos cuz i didn't want to ask for things i'd get back home in the event they didn't have them.  like the subway at our base is limited, if that makes sense.  anyway, after like 20 minutes., dude came back with the food.  i quickly gathered my first taco and starting unwrapping it... it (the taco) seemed unusually light... i got to the taco shell... i felt said taco and taco shell...the bottom was almost transparent from the grease and kind of soft... the top however, was still hard and crunchy... i noticed what appeared to be an empty taco... i was right... there was nothing but grade D edible meat and a few sprinkles of cheese that appeared to already have been melted into a different consistency and then somewhat rehardened from being cooled from not being under a heat lamp... fast dude said they had no lettuce... "what the crap?" i thought to myself... i looked back at the pathetic excuse for a taco that i held gently between the fingertips of my index, middle, ring finger, and thumb (my pinky was slightly out as usual) ... there, under the void of where the simple taco toppings should have been, laid what looked like a turd covered in cheese... i realized i didn't care and began to eat the taco.... my teeth confirmed what my hand had already told me... the bottom of the taco shell that soaked up the grease was not crunchy, it was moist... i still continued to eat... after the first bite at the bottom corner of my taco, i figured i only had 2 more options of next moves, 1) i could go for the opposite corner, or 2) i go for the area adjacent to the original bite... in honor of not having to reposition the taco or my hand, i elected to go for option 2 and bit into the empty void where unmelted cheddar cheese, shredded lettuce, and diced tomatoes would normally have been... instead my upper and lower teeth simultaneously made contact to the outer, upper, crunchy shell.  immediately, both sections of taco shell snapped sending both pieces of fried corn tortilla hurling at one another inside my mouth where they collided and i proceeded to chew them up... essentially, i could have had the same result by taking 2 tortilla chips and eaten them... needless to say, i ate all three tacos in much the same manner, although by the end of the first taco, i came up with the technique of taking a bite of the soggy-bottom "meat section" followed by a quick bite of empty void "crunchy" section to enhance the experience of eating a "crunchy" taco bell taco…”

Is it weird that the story kind of makes me want to go to Taco Bell right now?


Kelly Sellers said...

lol. steve is a funny guy. that's hilarious that he took that much time to tell you, specifically, about his horrible Desert TB experience. Cute.

Ms. Sue said...

gross Steve...really gross. Did you get violently ill from the 'said taco'. As I read your disgustingly nasty illustration of the grade D meat my mind ran away with scary thoughts... "What if it wasn't beef or even turkey...what if it the taco was actually dog or horse or possibly goose meet?" Why did you continue to eat them? Were they good?
Sincerely Your Friend and Fan,
Ms. Sue