February 5, 2009

Blue

I feel blue. The kids and I dropped Steve off at the airport at 6:30 this morning. I feel like I shouldn't feel this way. He's only going to be gone for 30 days and I will get to talk to him all the time - almost every day. I feel like I shouldn't feel like this because the next time he has to leave us will probably be for deployment and that will be so much longer and so much further and our communication will be so much less. As of right now, the deployment schedule (or so we've heard) at Dyess will be four months on, four months off. Again, that should not make me feel sick to my stomach like it does - it should make me happy that he won't ever deploy for a year, like so many do. But it makes my stomach turn to think of him being gone for four months. I know that no matter how long he is in and no matter how often he is gone, this will never be something I get used to. I won't ever be used to sleeping alone. I won't ever get used to days that the kids ask for Daddy and I have to tell them he's not coming home today. Ugh. I feel crappy.
I should not feel so sad, but I do. I don't like when my husband is gone. I just miss him so much. The last time he was gone, was when I started this blog. I may be blogging a lot this month - it helps to put my feelings down in words and put it out there. This is such a good outlet and I appreciate all of you who read and comment and make me feel cared for in this blog-world that I come to throughout my day.
Last time Steve was gone was the first time I was ever on my own. I learned a lot about myself during that time. I learned that I was capable of doing so much more for myself than I ever had. I could take care of the house and pay the bills and take the trash out. I came closer to the Lord during that time time than I had been in a long time. I have kept that closeness to Him since then and He has taught me so much more about myself than I ever knew. I know that I can get through times that are tough - not because I'm strong but because He is strong. He will walk me though anything. And He will get me through this month. With His strength, I will take over the roles of Mommy AND Daddy even without a break to sleep in or just get out for a minute by myself. With his strength, I will prepare our house for movers to come and pack it up the week after Steve gets home. With His strength, I will be a nice, loving, patient Mommy even when I'm tired, stressed and feeling sad. With His strength, I will get through this month and it will be over before I know it.
Okay, I'm actually feeling a little better, now.

p.s. On an unrelated note, I think I've been feeling JJ the Jet Plane (previously known as The Hudson Hornet, name change courtesy of Steven) flutter around for a while but it's so light that I always think, "Oh, it's just gas or maybe I'm hungry and my tummy is gurgling." But last night, he was MOVING. I pressed on one side of my stomach and I felt him flop against my hand - he was doing gymnastics in there or something!

4 comments:

Shaunna said...

I don't think I could ever get used to my husband being gone for extended amounts of time either!The longest Blake and I have been apart is a week...And I was staying with my family...I've never been at home alone without him. I have so much respect for you military wives- You gals are some tough cookies:)

Praying that the Lord will give you strength, patience, and comfort for each day Steve is gone!

Thinking of you sweet friend!!

PS-Addi was a gymnastics baby too...Always moving like crazy!! She is still that way to this day! Such a wonderful feeling- Hope sweet little JJ keeps on doing those flip-flops for you;) When do you find out the sex? Do you still think it's a boy?

Laura said...

oh leah, i'm sorry. i can't imagine. i didn't think i'd ever be where i wouldn't like being by myself..but i don't! i hate it when slade goes to church at night for a few hours. yucky! so, i can't imagine.

my friend's husband was deployed for 6 months overseas and they had 4 kids--one being 3 weeks old! but, the Lord gave her grace and patience and they made it through!

we'll be praying for you!

we need new pics of the belly!

Jr, Holly, and Nolan Koper said...

I'm sorry, Leah:( I wish I lived closer to be there for you during these times. I know this month will fly by, and then you'll be coming to NJ to see your first nephew! We'll be praying for you guys. Love you!

Michelle said...

I;m sorry to read that you feel this way. I've felt it, been through it & done it. You'll get through it!