November 16, 2008

Ugh...

So, tomorrow I will be 7 weeks pregnant. My belly is already fat. For real. I've been trying to work out at least twice a day since I found out, to try and prevent the inevitable "fat and miserable" months that are to come. But even though the numbers on the scale haven't changed at all, my stomach is definitely getting fat. I keep reading about how our muscles and skin all have "memory" cells that remember pregnancy (especially when you don't give them much time to forget!) and go ahead and stretch out in preparation for pregnancies after the first. But I am just not READY to be showing. I know what's going to happen. I'll be out somewhere, some sweet women with a flat stomach and a little baby will see my fat tummy and say, "oh, how far along are you?" Expecting to hear "4 months" at least. When I say "8 weeks," she gags on her diet soda and asks if I'm having twins. I say, "Nope. I'm just fat but thanks for asking." It happened with Gabby, too. As of today, I can still button my size 6s, as of last Monday, I could still button my 4s. I'm afraid to try now. I got all my "transitional clothes" out of the basement the other day. My size 8s, and 10s, ready to wear before the elastic waist-bands are a necessity. At this rate, it won't be long. Steve's drop party is on Friday. I am SUPER excited to go with him (we even have a babysitter! Woo-hoo!), and be there when we find out what aircraft he's going to be on and where we'll be stationed next. But today, I just kept thinking, "What can I wear that will not make me look fat or pregnant?" I think I may have to go shopping for some self confidence on a hanger this week. I think Kohl's sells that.
I've been trying pretty hard to have a positive attitude about getting big and uncomfortable again. I'm having a hard time. Today, I felt pretty sick most of the day. And for some reason, I just don't feel connected to this baby yet. I know that sounds horrible. I pray for his (he's a he until we're told otherwise) healthy development every day and I am thankful for the blessing I know he will be, but I'm just having trouble picturing a baby in here. It could be because we weren't TRYING for this one, so when it happened, it wasn't this great accomplishment we had been trying for months to reach, like with Steven and Gabby. And maybe it's that with the first two, I read all the "this is what your baby is doing this week of pregnancy" kind of books and articles and that made me feel connected. This time around, I already know all of that stuff so I haven't read any books or articles and maybe I should, if for nothing else, to feel a connection to this life inside me. I was talking to my good friend, Julia who is pregnant with her fourth and she said she felt the same way, and so she went to get and ultrasound done just for that reason, knowing that if she saw the heartbeat, the morning sickness and tiredness would all mean something more real to her and she would connect to her baby. Maybe once I get to a doctor and see my baby, I'll feel it, too. I just feel...I don't know...like I know in my head there is a life inside me, but my heart hasn't grasped it yet.
So, that is what's going on with me. I'm totally self-absorbed and I need to just get over myself. On to better things: We went up to Austin yesterday to visit our good friends, Dan and Julia Sheppard and their 3 sweet kids. Steven and Heidi have been friends since Steven was 8-months-old and they hadn't seen each other since February. They had fun together. I had a great time catching up with Julia (my aforementioned pregnant friend) and Dan and Steve hung out and did man-things all day. They shopped for guns (they're both under the impression that guns need to be purchased before Obama gets here), grilled some meat, threw a football and whatever else men do together.

We had a really great time with them and miss hanging out with them so much! So, now you're all caught up!

3 comments:

Cara Joy said...

Have you ever seen the movie juno? well, i know your're not 16 years old or pregnant for the first time...but the thing that worked for her was 4 simple words..."your baby has fingernails!" that was it. that's was when she knew that baby needed to belong to jennifer garner. so just remember, jennifer garner...I mean fingernails!

Kami said...

I am amazed this time too at how fast I got big (and still continue to grow) and like you, I dread the question, "How far along are you" - I always wonder what ppl think when I tell them. I was barely showing at this point last time - and this time, i'm full on pregnant looking. I guess your body just knows what to do. And as far as not feeling connected, you have your hands so full with two others, it is probably hard to focus on your newest as much as you did with the others. I know even though this is my second, a lot of that has come slower to me this time too. But at the same time, it is more of a reality to me since I KNOW what is coming :)

Shaunna said...

Leah, you look GREAT! Size 8 is the norm around my house, fitting into a size 6 every now and then is a pleasant surprise, and a size 4?! What's that??? I think the last time I wore a size 4 was when I was in 6th grade! hehe:)

Addi was a surprise for Blake and I too- We definitely weren't trying. It was a little shock, and it took a little bit for me to realize it was really REAL. Of course she was our first, and we were thrilled. It may take a little time, but I know you will be just as thrilled about this little blessing as you were about Steven and Gabby.

Love you and praying for you and that sweet life inside of you!